


live half alive

by sssammich



Category: Glee
Genre: Character Study, Complete, F/F, Fluff and Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-11
Updated: 2011-05-11
Packaged: 2017-11-20 18:50:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/588550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sssammich/pseuds/sssammich
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She doesn't think anybody ever paid attention.</p>
            </blockquote>





	live half alive

**Author's Note:**

> Based off of Christina Perri's "Jar of Hearts".

She likes her eyes.

It's one of the few things she's thankful to have and didn't have to change. It's the first thing she looks at whenever she's inspecting her face every morning. She has to remind herself to look at them when she's trying to hide the rest of her flaws.

She allows herself a genuine smile in the comfort of her bathroom. She doesn't think she's a beautiful person a lot of the time, but she affords herself this moment in the mornings.

And, well, that has to count for something.

*

She's been planning prom since the beginning of school. Even the revelation of her past gave her a surprising edge in the competition. Now that it's approaching, she double checks on everything. Her powder blue dress and his matching tux. It has to be perfect. It just has to be.

It couldn't have started any better if she tried. He's waiting at the bottom of the stairs and she makes her grand entrance. He says the right words and it melts her inside.

"You're the most beautiful girl I've seen in my life," he says quietly, staring at her. She can almost feel him staring into her soul. Almost.

She smiles because he's a good guy and a part of her still wants this to work. "It matches my eyes."

"I know." He places it on her wrist and she almost feels victorious with this one gesture. Almost.

*

She's not an idiot. As Rachel belts out a rather misplaced song on the stage, she knows there is a pair of eyes staring at them, watching them. When she looks up, from just above his shoulders, she meets Rachel's eyes and she barely manages to look away. Rachel doesn't let her eyes off of them even as she sings the last few words.  _Who do you think you are?_

*

There is such a thing as too good to be true. When Finn throws the first punch, she knows it's all over. Finn and Jesse get kicked out of prom along with her last chance at winning the crown. Last chance at winning her redemption.

She looks at Rachel with such disdain before storming away from the middle of the gymnasium. It surprises her and aggravates her when she finds Rachel calling after her, trying to catch up to her. Familiar words echo in her head and she has half a mind to turn around in the hallway and confront her.

_Who do you think you are?_

*

When Rachel catches up to her, she does turn around with all of the boiling frustration she has kept at bay.

"Quinn you need to calm down!"

"This is your fault!" she says, tears threatening to escape her eyes. But she holds back, like she does with everything else, and she glares back at Rachel. "Nobody ever would've voted for me 'cause they know he would rather be with you!"

"That's not true!" Rachel says in protest. But her hand has already made its mark.

Rachel cradles her newly bruised cheek, her head downcast, no doubt reeling in from what she has just done.

She exhales the breath she's unaware of holding in, and her anger and frustration turns into shock and horror. Rachel looks back up at her and she sees in Rachel's eyes the same shock and horror she feels. But as Rachel cradles her cheek, Quinn recognizes fear and it jolts her into panic.

"I'm so sorry," she whispers, the weight of what she has just done settling heavy in the pit of her stomach. She doesn't mean to hurt anyone.

For a split second, she transforms into someone she's been so afraid of becoming, someone who has lost all control.

_Who do you think you are?_

*

"There's no way I'm staying at this school," she says with tears ruining her mascara. "I'm gonna transfer."

It's not the best plan, but she doubts that she can stay in this school and know that she has physically hurt someone else.

*

She doesn't win prom, but she wins some redemption. She just doesn't expect it to have come from Rachel. Or she expects for Rachel to be someone who would give it, she just doesn't think she deserves it.

"Most girls would be upset about being slapped in the face, but I happen to appreciate the drama of it," Rachel says, inspecting her face in the mirror beside her.

"I know you think it's hard to be you, Rachel. At least you don't have to be terrified all the time," she says, her words sticking to her throat. Her ability to look at herself in the mirror long gone.

"What are you so scared of?"

Everything. Her inevitable breakdown. The cracks of her walls expanding until it all crumbles down around her. Being alone. Not having anything left for herself. The helplessness of being stuck. She doesn't know which one to pick because she's so afraid of everything.

Rachel offers her a dampened paper towel and she thinks twice about taking it and dabs away at the ruins of her image.

"The future. All of this is gone."

"Look, you have nothing to be scared of," Rachel says before she notices that brown eyes aren't looking at her anymore. "You're a very pretty girl, Quinn. The prettiest girl I've ever met, but  _you're more than that_."

The words pull her attention back when the words begin to sound familiar. She remembers similar words spoken to her earlier in the night, but they sound so completely different. Finn is awed by her and she's untouchable. Rachel is awed by her and she's about as human as they get.

She wonders how Rachel knows as she lets the other girl wipe away any traces of a break down.

"You look very nice tonight, Quinn," Rachel offers just as she steps back and admires her. "I see Finn picked out the corsage that I suggested."

Her head snaps up and she looks at Rachel, her heart rate suddenly increasing. "What?"

"The gardenias with the light green ribbon. I told him it matches your eyes."

"You're the one who told him?" Rachel's eyes widen and she tries to explain herself.

"He was worried about prom stuff with you so I told him what I thought."

"You know the color of my eyes?" she asks, barely a whisper. She doesn't know how to react to that since nobody has ever paid that much attention to her before. She doesn't think people actually do that; she doesn't think anybody cared, cares.

"Your eyes aren't boring and dull like the brown ones I have. Plus, hazel eyes are a lot rarer than blue ones even though I think Brittany's are also very pretty," she says by way of explanation.

"Y-you don't have boring and dull eyes, Rachel. Your eyes are very pretty, too." She sees Rachel bow her head down but she knows she means the words. Those brown eyes have been anything but boring and dull.

"Thanks."

She bites her lip before placing a hand on Rachel's arm. "No, I should be the one-" she starts to say. "Just. Thanks."

Rachel smiles back at her and she feels herself smiling back.

"Let's go back to the party. The first King and Queen dance is about to start."

She nods at her and they begin their walk out of the bathroom. She opens the door and lets Rachel walk out first. As she follows, Rachel turns around.

"I voted for you and Finn, you know," Rachel says. "I know how much it meant to you."

Rachel doesn't give her a chance to respond, just quickly walks out of the bathroom. She doesn't have a choice but to follow, but she doesn't mind.

*

She goes home by herself a little after two a.m. She's had a long night, but a good one, all things considered. She takes her dress off and walks up to her vanity. She wipes away all of the make-up and lets her hair down.

She takes off her corsage and gets ready to throw it away when she realizes who they're really from. Instead, she places it right on the vanity and looks at her reflection, stares right at her own eyes.

She doesn't feel beautiful a lot of the time. But for a night, someone let her feel like a queen even without the tiara. So she affords herself a genuine smile for it because someone noticed her.

And, well, that has to count for something.


End file.
